Dating: WHO by Caroline M.

Sigma Alpha Omega Devotion

Dating: WHO – Ben Stuart

https://subsplash.com/breakaway/messages/mi/+6cc9d6f

Ben Stuart is one of my all-time favorite speakers, and it all started when I listened to his series of podcasts, “Single, Dating, Engaged, Married”. In this devotion, I summarized Part 3 (Dating: WHO). I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and I encourage you to watch the full video as well as all 10 parts of the series!

Again, these are not my words, but a summary of a message that I love!

Verses:

• Proverbs 25:28

• Proverbs 31

• 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

• Psalms 1:1-3

• Proverbs 31: 25-30

• 1 Corinthians 5:11

• 1 Timothy 1:15-16

Our modern-day dating scene is messed up. Just listen to any radio station and the songs they play and it’s very clear. There is a statistically significant increasing trend in narcissism and hostility in today’s pop music in the past three decades (New York Times). “I” and “me” are increasing, “we” and “us” are on the decline. Our love songs are angry! There’s a lot of sting and hurt in these songs, and it mirrors a lot of our dating lives perfectly

Why would we want to enter into such a confusing, sad, and painful world?

1. Most of us want to be married (93-96%)

   1. We long for permanence in a relationship

   2. Somewhere between the longing for marriage and the state of marriage is a process of evaluation that is full of danger.

The Bible does not talk about dating but has much to say about evaluation

Proverbs 25:28

Like a city whose walls are broken through

is a person who lacks self-control

In ancient times, a wall in a city brought protection and peace to what was inside. Dating someone who has a temper or is a bully will not build you up but tear down your walls. You will find yourself without peace, walking on eggshells.

Modern Problems Still Require Biblical Solutions

Today we find ourselves shopping for characteristics rather than character in a potential partner.

Characteristics

• Features

• Qualities

These are not bad things to notice in someone, but they are bad foundations. Imagine standing on a swivel chair. When you fall, is it because the chair was faulty? No. The chair is perfectly fine. The problem was you are trying to use it for something it wasn’t designed to do. It wasn’t built to handle what you were putting on it. A lot of times we want to put the weight or strain of marriage on things that aren’t built to support it.

Ask someone what they are looking for in a guy. Most likely you will get features or things about them: height, build, personality, money, etc. We put these things on a pedestal for dating, and that sets us up for disappointment and discouragement. There are some serious problems with that!

1. When you create an extraordinary fantasy person, no actual person can measure up

   1. The more we tease ourselves with celebrity photos of people who have been surgically, digitally, or chemically enhanced, the more we get disconnected from reality. This isn’t fair to do to a guy!

Here is the Vogue cover of Lady Gaga, compared to the actual look she had in the studio

1. It doesn’t work because it’s built on a false assumption that you actually know what you want

   1. In 2008, Match.com hired a new chief of algorithms to figure out why people that matched so high based off of the “checklist” their partner created hardly ever made it past the first date

      1. When comparing what people said they wanted to who they actually dated, there was absolutely no correlation

      2. It was concluded that it’s virtually impossible for any algorithm to put out the person you’ll actually marry – because you don’t know what you want!

You may find it hard to believe that most people don’t know, but when asked what we are looking for, it’s typically an idealized version of ourselves. You don’t want to marry you! You want to marry someone who complements (“a thing that completes or brings to perfection”) you.

After the study by Match.com, algorithms like that were basically done away with. Now, apps like Tinder (which has 2,000,000,000 swipes per day) are based off two things:

1. Looks – are you hot?

2. Charm - are you witty?

Our generation even off of Tinder still bases dating off of these core things. Look at a date in a loud bar. You can’t have a full conversation in there, but you can see if they are hot, and their first line better be funny.

Proverbs 31: 30

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised

We are basing the foundation of our marriage on things that do not last. Charm and looks do not last. Again, they are not bad features, but they are a bad foundation. You don’t want to pick a partner based on looks—it has no enduring quality. Looks fade. Do you want someone to marry you based off of looks? No! Because what happens if you get hurt and damage your face? What happens if you get injured and can’t exercise for an extended period of time? What happens if you get sick? Would you want your husband to only stick around for the looks? Or to be rooted in something enduring?

Today’s world has taken a consumer mentality and injected it into our relationships with other human beings. We treat people like commodities We don’t care about the heart, soul, or mind, we only care about the body. We become consumers of people and people aren’t meant to be treated like that. You are not an assembly of features. You are a person. And as someone interacts with you as a person, there may be features about you that they love, there may be some they didn’t expect and can live with because they are irrelevant because they love a person. You will marry a person, not a list of characteristics. We have to break away from this consumer mentality because it’s toxic.

WE ARE MEANT TO PURSUE THE GLORY OF GOD IN THE GOOD OF PEOPLE

We aren’t meant to be a consumer and a taker, we are meant to be givers and build up other human beings for the glory of God.

CONTRIBUTE RATHER THAN CONSUME

When Adam was in the garden, God brought along Eve to be a helper for him. This is not a demeaning term. He was going about a work that was good and God brought him someone who was like him and who could connect with him. She wasn’t identical to him, but she complemented him so that the two of them together could use their gifts to be a blessing to the world. THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT! So many today are looking for a butler or a prostitute in a partner. This is not right, and we need to repent. God has brought us into an idea of connecting with people that we can contribute to and use our gifts together for the glory of God.

So, what are we supposed to look for?

The foundation of a successful Christian marriage needs to be built on firmer stuff.

What are the kinds of things that have to be there?

The following are seven things you want to look for in the kind of person you want to date, and later who you would marry:

As a practice, the first three things should be considered nonnegotiable; the last four are able to be bent, but there needs to be a discussion between the two of you on how far.

1. They need to be a believer in Jesus

   1. You want to be aligned with them on the most important thing

   2. If Jesus Christ is your north star, you want someone who is heading towards that same star

2 Corinthians 6:14-15

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

1. In farming terms (like these verses were written), you don’t want to yoke up (attach to one another) an ox and a donkey. These are two different animals with two different purposes and direction

2. In the same way, you don’t want to be “attached” to someone who’s not a Christian.

3. This is not meaning that Christians run the other way from nonbelievers—they should be our friends, our coworkers, we should share meals and be roommates. BUT, on the biggest issues in life, you want to be attached to someone who has the same allegiance and direction as you

4. You will have differences in hobbies and foods in a marriage, but a difference in this fundamental belief in Jesus will put so much strain on a marriage.

5. To the girls (like me) who are worried about finding the right guy: “The loneliness of being single will not be assuaged by being lonely in a king-sized bed lying next to a guy who can’t communicate with you about the biggest issues in life. Don’t settle”

1. You want a pursuer of Christ

   1. Anybody can say they’re a Christian

   2. Just meeting someone at a church does not make them a Christian

Psalms 1:1-3

Blessed is the one

who does not walk in step with the wicked

or stand in the way that sinners take

or sit in the company of mockers,

but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,

and who meditates on his law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season

1. This guy will flourish no matter what life throws at him. You want this guy!

Proverbs 31: 25-30

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

“Many women do noble things,

but you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

1. You want to be a woman like this!

1 Corinthians 5: 11

But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

1. Take this to heart: If you see sexual immorality in them, be careful

2. Paul was constantly gravitating towards non-Christians and writing to eat with them and to love them – but specifically points out a category to avoid. Someone who claims to be a child of God, but when it comes to money, sex, or their words, they are willing to throw it all away. He tells us to stay away from them.

3. You want someone who has an anchor of love and morality outside of himself that is tethered to eternity

4. No one is perfect, but you want someone who is striving to be holy by the grace of God

   1. You’ll be able to see the fruit of someone who is pursuing the Lord

1. You want someone going the same pace as you

   1. Someone who is called to overseas missions dating a week-old Christian may not always be the best match

   2. Don’t try and “date someone to Jesus”. Ben Stuart calls this evangedating, haha

   3. You shouldn’t be dragged or be dragging someone through your walk with Christ. You want to be able to run with them. Run with someone who will put you at the top of your game!

1. Are you theologically compatible?

   1. You’re both Christians, but when you get more serious, you start asking the questions, “are we Catholic or Protestant?”. There will be some issues there on how faith works, etc.

   2. You can bend on this, but you just have to have the conversation of how far.

      1. You still want to agree on as much as possible

         1. Not looking for the minimum, but the maximum

   3. Line up on the big things (#1-3) and discuss the small things

1. Are you socially compatible?

   1. This isn’t asking if you’re compatible (again, complements)

   2. Where are you wanting to settle down?

   3. Injecting sex into a dating relationship severely disrupts this evaluation process, do you actually like to spend time with them, or is it only physical?

1. Are you philosophically compatible?

   1. Where do they ultimately see their life going?

1. Are you physically attracted to one another?

   1. This is still important and has value

   2. It’s not bad to be attracted to them.

   3. It’s not a bad question to ask, it’s just a bad question to ask first

We may look at this list and see that we ourselves fall short of this list. If that’s you, hit pause on dating and turn your full attention to getting your relationship with God right first

Christianity is not a list of characteristics or character traits, all of us fall short and are broken and have been devastated by sin.

1 Timothy 1:15-16

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

We are sinners, but God has mercy on us.

We have no chance of being like Christ in our lives and relationships except through this mercy of God. One who knew no sin and became sin for us. Just as he rose, we rise